breaking free.

Yesterday, I had an epiphany.

I have always been a bit of a hot mess. I've gone through the motions that you're supposed to go through in your 20s. Graduate college (although, I made this MUCH more difficult than it needed to be), start your career, have meaningful romantic relationships, etc. With that, I've also dealt with mental illness. I was quite depressed during that entire decade. However, it seemed as though on my 30th birthday, something in my mindset changed. I started researching how to get my shit together. I decided I wanted a side hustle, I wanted to start investing, I REALLY wanted to start a family. But I couldn't seem to make any of these work in my life. I spent the past year trying to force this normalcy onto myself... especially when normal has never really been a thing for me. All it gave me was depression and anxiety.

In the early summer, I felt driven to go to the coast. Being from Ohio, I never had the opportunity to go to the beach or see the ocean. I reached out to my sister, who lived in Texas, and told her I was coming to visit and we were going to the coast. In September, my sister, her husband, and I went to Port Aransas, TX.

Even though it was a short trip, I had the time of my life. I felt confident and so very happy. It was like when I woke up the first morning, my insecurities were gone. That afternoon, we went to the beach and the only word I can use to explain is perfection. A couple days later, it was time for me to fly home and all day I had a stomach ache. I thought maybe it was dehydration from all of the saltwater, alcohol, and lack of water. I later realized it was anxiety. I arrive at the airport, then get on the airplane, and as we were taking off, I started to cry. And let me tell you, after the intense high of the trip, the low of being home was so much worse.

I've noticed there have been some changes to my thought patterns. Not feeling inclined to spend money. Not pretending to be happy. And definitely not feeling like spending my days at work. Now I know, this is typical but I've always enjoyed my job. My boyfriend, not understanding my depressive mood, asked me what I wanted and without thinking, I told him I wanted to do yoga and travel. What?! I haven't done yoga in years!

So, getting to the point.... I was telling my therapist all of this. And she asked me to reflect on my Texas trip and how I felt. I explained to her how happy I was and how it felt like the saltwater was washing my soul of negativity. She said she thinks that maybe I just had that taste of being 100% myself, and now I'm subconsciously breaking free. She also said that she had a hunch I would soon be overcome with motivation to start making things happen. A few hours later, I had impulse to start this blog to record my process, hold myself accountable, and hopefully even help others.

So that's what I'm going to do. I want to record the process for you, as well as my history with mental health. I feel like my soul is finally waking up and my body can stop going through the motions. And I also know that it sounds crazy, but I hope you'll stick with me. I'm not sure exactly where this journey will take me, but I'm ready for it.